The decision to move a parent out of their home is a difficult one, so it can be hard to know what to say to someone moving into assisted living. While you may be sure of the reasons, it can sometimes be hard to express this to your loved one.
How To Start The Conversation
So how do you start this conversation? Perhaps the most important thing is to always treat your parent with respect. Do not speak to them as if they were a child. Even someone with dementia will know when they are being patronized or talked down to.
Keeping your emotions level is vital. If you allow emotions to take over, then you will project these feelings onto your elderly parent. Feeling guilty or sad will make them fear what awaits them, while being overly upbeat may make them think you no longer care.
Start the conversation well in advance of any decision to move someone into assisted living, unless of course it is an emergency. A sudden decision is unlikely to foster trust around the issue, and you may find that your parent becomes withdrawn or stubborn.
Engage your parent in the conversation and speak to them as an equal. Outline the reasons why you think assisted living is a good idea for them, and ask their opinion. Reassure them that no decision will be taken without their input and agreement.
Discuss The ‘What Ifs’
There are many reasons why people go into assisted living, but potentially the worst scenario is when it happens suddenly with no warning. No one wants to think about such situations, but they are part of life and need to be addressed.
If both of your parents are living and together, you should discuss what happens if one of them passes or is incapacitated in some way. Do they want to sell their home and downsize, or would they be willing to enter some kind of assisted living?
There are many unknowns in life, but some can be anticipated with a degree of certainty. Getting older and more frail is inevitable, and talking about what should happen if your parent needs enhanced or round the clock care is a sensible idea.
The greatest fear is fear of the unknown, so if you make plans based on reasonable ‘what ifs’ this fear can be removed. Knowing that you have had the discussion with your parent and that you have reached a joint decision will give you both peace of mind.
Research Assisted Living Options Together
Once the subject has been broached, start doing some research into local assisted living facilities. Encourage your parent to give their opinion on the various options and take on board what they say to you. Compromise is important.
While most people would rather stay in the neighborhood that they are familiar with, it may not always be possible. This can depend on any particular needs that your parent has that will need to be met in their assisted living. Make sure you communicate this to them.
It is important to visit each facility that you are considering. Brochures and advertisements always want to show the highlights, but you will also need to see how the everyday activities and procedures are conducted. And of course check out the rooms.
Let your parent take front and center if at all possible when visiting your choices. After all, it will be them that will be living there.
Allow or encourage them to ask questions and to speak to existing residents. If they don’t feel comfortable, then don’t press the issue and move on.
Keep The Tone Positive
While researching, visiting or just discussing assisted living with your loved one, always keep a positive tone.
Choose your words carefully, such as using ‘community’ rather than ‘facility’. Highlight the good aspects of the move, without pretending that everything will be easy.
A calm and frank discussion is much better than trying to sell the idea of assisted living to your parent.
You know them better than anyone else, so focus on what they will benefit from the move and how this may improve their quality of life. But don’t ever pressure them.
Don’t ever use language that will make it seem like you are forcing them into making the decision.
Allow them to voice their opinions, objections and comments without dismissing them or immediately trying to counter them with your own. They’re entitled to their opinion.
Acknowledging that the change will be difficult is important too. Don’t underestimate or belittle how your parent may be feeling.
Keep the conversation flowing and make sure that they can be honest and open with you without making you feel guilty or sad.
Recognize And Acknowledge Why They Want To Stay At Home
It’s important to listen to your parent or loved one when they say they want to stay in their own home and acknowledge their reasons.
For some, it may seem like they are on the first part of their final journey if they move out of their home and into assisted living.
This may not occur to family members who are only concerned about their health and welfare, but these fears are real and need to be recognized and understood.
Losing touch with family and friends is also a valid concern for many seniors facing such a move.
Moving from a family home to a room in assisted living is going to be a shock for most people.
Not only will they be leaving their home, but will have to leave most of their possessions behind too. This can be upsetting, so bear it in mind and be understanding.
The conversation with a parent about moving into assisted living will never be an easy one. It is an emotional issue, even if based on practicality.
The key is to listen, be understanding and keep a two-way conversation going at all times.
